My weirder flipside

Sometimes, when I am idle and the weather is gloomy, I think.

I think to the point that my head hurts.

And I can’t think anything else other than my headache.

But ramblings aside, I know and understand and have long accepted it that I have two sides that I present to the world. When I am left alone, I am mostly melancholic and introverted but when I am with people I am comfortable with, I am random, blunt, goofy, silly and out-going.

Sometimes I get confused because there are moments that even with these comfortable people I feel alienated and I want to sulk and wallow in my self-imposed misery, but I have a facade to keep up. For most people, I am a carefree person who laughs spontaneously and do silly things to entertain them.

But I get tired too.

And I can’t keep up with the expectation.

So which side is the real me?

I reckon, I am both sides.

But people will never get both sides (unless they are lucky enough).

It’s always this side and on the flipside.

And…

At times I wonder if I have really moved on.

And most of the times, in spite of my will not to care at all, I still give a freaking care.

Because I CARE.

And I can’t explain it.

You made me feel stupid and tired and sad.

And you don’t even know it.

Or perhaps you do,

But you don’t care enough to tell me.

Wait, is it the other way around?

I don’t care enough to tell you how you’ve broke me over and over again. I was ledt to pick up the pieces and just when I thought I finally had it together, you shatter me once more. And the vicious and painful cycle repeats. And I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try.

It’s like Hide and Seek.

I hide and you seek.

And ALWAYS, you were the ‘it.’

But you do not play fair.

And I always, always fall on your friggin trap.

And I hate myself because I can’t seem to resist your theatrics.

Abuse me,

I will not fight back.

I surrender against my emotions.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

Let go.

Let me go.

5 Ft.