Nanay

  

"K" the REPEAT

I’m starting to dislike you. :/

The LoveLove Project

ii

May 18, 2009

BGM: Arco; Perfect World

I think I’m in love with love itself. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. But thinking about love in general makes me a bit happy. I used to be a cynic. A non-believer. Because I’ve seen a love that became darker and twisted. It shaped my disillusioned concept of the four letter word L-O-V-E. But, ever since I’ve started loving love, I feel light hearted. I just hope that soon love will find me. Somehow, I don’t want to sit around and just wait for it to come by nor do I want to search the feeling of connection in every unmarried man I meet on the street. Love is strange. They say, “The quickest way to receive love is to give love and the best way to keep love is to give it wings”. How do you let love fly? I’ve just planted my seed of love, in time, it’ll grow; little by little. I need to be patient now and not lose faith in love. Because I believe that my love will find its way to you.

The LoveLove Project

© dcec April2009

Intro:

This idea was brewing in my brain for the longest time but I’m too lazy to actually give writing short stories a try, so this piece, I wanted it to be kind of personal. This is supposed to be my journey in finding my love, whatever that is. Technically, I mean love of the opposite sex but since I started becoming a proper tax payer I’ve actually stopped mulling about the thing they call love. I’ll be posting two finished chapters and hopefully, I’ll be able to continue this and thus, indeed, a journey of finding love. ♥Yan♥

The Love-Love Project

A Diary of Finding Love

Do you find love?

Or love does find you?

I say, “This is the day I’m gonna fall in love!”

If only it would materialize.

So, I say it again differently,

“This time, I’m really gonna fall in love!”

i

April 29, 2009

BGM: Lene Marlin; Another Day

Pilar, on “By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept” said:

“A fall from a third floor hurts just as much as fall from a hundredth. If I have to fall, may it be from a high place.”

To love is to hurt but it’s part of the gamble that eventually in the end balances itself. I’ve never been in love. That’s the problem. Twenty three years has passed and when I look back in my teenage years, I felt I wasted it all. I wasn’t ugly. Sure I don’t really look as pretty as most celebrities but I’d like to believe I’m enough to be described as cute. But no one wanted me, actually that’s beside the point, because I never wanted anyone at that point in time. Sure there were crushes but they only went as far as they can go; which was to remain as crushes. And so, year by year I watched my friends being taken away by their very own princes. I was fine with it until recently I realized how incomplete my life had been because I didn’t let love in. Maybe I was naïve. I overlooked the most important thing in this world just because I had other concerns; irrelevant and trivial worries.

But I’m ready to embrace love. In all its entirety; the hurts, the smiles, the heart thumping and the excitement along with the pain, tears and hurts. All of it, I am ready to accept. Because it’s alright to fall. It’s alright to bleed. It’s alright to cry. It’s all right, in the name of love.

Wherever you are, whoever you are; let your love find its way to me and let my love find its way to you…

D v.2

For my eldest brother 

I see Pajero’s and think of you.

I see McDonald drive thru’s and think of you.

I see Mandarin Tea Garden and think of you.

I see you in the streets we used to pass by,

I see you in the restaurants we used to eat from,

I see you everywhere.

We may have not been the closest siblings, we may have so many petty fight way back when I was younger, but somehow, as we grew older we managed to bridge the gap and be connected. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being a ttue family. I may not be the sweetest and nicest sister (I’m your only sister by the way :p) but I kinda missed having you around. Fine. I really do miss you bro.

Take care!

D v.1

I don’t know what happened but we were so close back then. Suddenly it’s like I don’t know you anymore. You used to talk to me about anything under the sun and we used to laugh at the same jokes. Was it because we aged? Was it because we no longer move with the same crowd? What’s wrong with us. I used to find comfort in talking to you, I used to love hearing your love life and funny stories about your friends. That’s the thing…I used to, but right now, it’s like we’re both strangers living in the same roof. It felt uncomfortable talking to you now. I wish we could back being our old silly selves and just talk like friends. I don’t know what’s wrong with you and I probably should stop analyzing whatever actions you’ve made. People change, I should have known better. But I just didn’t think that a family will change so much. He was the closest to me among all my other family members and I am hurt that he’s acting all bratty on me. He’s always been like that but these days, I can’t seem to take anymore of his tantrums.

Everything is so different now, and as much as I would like it to remain in the sweet end of the bargain, I know that I have to deal with the present. He’s already a different person. He changed and so am I.

Jonathan

 Ode to you. May you rest in peace in the warm embrace of our Lord

Like all things,

We are born,

Like all things,

We came from somewhere,

Like the fallen leaves,

We kiss the ground for the last time,

Before we disappear indefinitely,

And gain eternal happiness with the Creator.

Like all things…

We end.

"K"

Strike 3. You are starting to annoy me. I let go of the previous things because there was no point in keeping them in, but here you are again, getting on my nerves, please don’t let it become a habit of yours. If you have said thank you, I would have appreciated it. Common sense will tell you that if someone helped you, you should say your thanks. How about that huh? Hopefully, I’ll get over this annoyance soon.

Father

Mother

My mother was never a stage mom. She was absent in most of my formative years and she was never really there for me in my most terrifying moments. For that, I resented her immensely, because I was left to fend myself on my own. I had a hard time growing up because I was brought up in lies, domestic violence and bad family-relations. Where was my mother all these times? She’s nowhere to be found. She’s busy making ends meet. She’s busy bringing food on the table. She was just not there. I had really no one to talk to and because I wan’t able to express myself openly, I developed a twisted view of the world and the resentment I had for my mother was turned inwardly. Then I started having mild depressions, but I because it felt like a chronic feeling, I became so good with masking it with pretensious smiles.

Although, it seem like I am blaming my mother, I don’t. Anymore that is. Because even if I kept on blaming her nothing will happen. She’s a flawed human with many imperfections. She wan’t a good mother perhaps she wasn’t cut for the part. As I grew older I began to understand her more, and have just began accepting her. It was easier this time maybe because I’ve gone through a lot of rough times it wasn’t so bad just accepting things as they were rather than disecting situations for which they were not.

I have forgiven mother. There was really no need for her to say the ‘S’ word because it was already given, that I’ll come around. My mother is not perfect. She’s not the mother that I envisioned her to be. But she’s only being a mother according she knew how.